Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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