Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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