you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
