Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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