Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
