my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
