i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
