brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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