i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
