Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
