I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
