oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
