i jhust puked up my retainher.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
