I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
