she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
