Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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