Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
