Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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