Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
