I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
