ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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