somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
