im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just cropdusted the office
4 words: hood of his car
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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