I accidentally had phone sex last night
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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