I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
