i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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