Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
