jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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