no, he came in my armpit
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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