i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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