You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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