dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
