6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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