I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize