Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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