My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
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Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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