She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
