I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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