a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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