I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
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note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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