so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
