if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
