haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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