In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
