I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
