Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I need a burrito and a hug.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
