i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
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I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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