Don't make out with my wife yet
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
