Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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