Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
