Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
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