i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
