He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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