Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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