And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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